I have seen a few helicopter parents in my day

As a college admissions professional I have a front-row seat to the differences between a helicopter parent and a helpful parent. This is a fine line. And it is a bit unfair of me to talk about it in these terms because adolescents certainly need their parents in this process. Man, do they ever. Students whose parents don't help them at all are severely impairing their children in the college search process. Trust me, they need their parents to be more grounded than they are, they need them to be more responsible than they are, and they definitely need them to know more about the financial investment of college than they do. And, they need  help processing all of the things that go into choosing a college, is it daunting; and it is arguable that someone at the age of 18 is not capable of fully understanding things like student loans. I digress. I shall get back to the point of this post: helpful distinctions between impairing and aiding an adolescent: between hovering and helping. 

After five years of walking students and parents through the college decision process, I am usually able to tell when a parent is hovering and when a parent is helping. Up until today this has always been more of an abstract intuition than anything else. This morning I read a post from the Fuller Youth Institute on that very distinction. They (as always) put into measurable terms what I knew by intuition. They pose three questions that cut to the heart of the difference- motivation. As I already mentioned, students need their parents.  So it is not that a parent shouldn't help their child, instead the issue is why they are doing so. In the college search process parents who step in because their child is out of their depth are helping their children.  

In my observation parents are helping their children by taking an active role in the process when their child is unused to sifting through all the jargon, genuinely doesn't understand what questions to ask, or when the student is dealing directly with the financial investment of college. I could come up with any number of examples of parents hurting their children by hovering when they should be helping, but I am not going to list them. What is a hindering action for one student could be helpful for another. The issue is not that a parent is stepping in, but why a parent is stepping in. I occasionally rant and rave about this in my workplace (and by occasionally I may mean on a regular basis and loudly at that) so now it will be nice to have words for what bothers me. And that, in turn, just might mean that I am able to complain less. And complaining less is always a good thing. Thank you, Fuller Youth Institute, for not only articulating something in a helpful manner, but also for giving my office mates a break. 

All churches are multigenerational. Few are intergenerational.

This is such a great distinction. Thank you, Fuller Youth Institute, for finding this blog post by Matthew DePrez. As he describes it, here is the basic difference between a mulitgenerational church and an intergenerational church: an intergenerational church is one where people have meaningful relationships across generations, and a multigenerational church is one where people from each generation exist peacefully together. He gives a few outcomes of each type of church; the intergenerational church know names and bits about one another's lives, pray for each other, and can count on one another for interaction and growth. Multigenerational churches participate in the same services and church functions, but rarely have more than cursory interactions with those outside of their age group.

The obvious implication is that it is better to have an intergenerational church. But, how to build one is a more puzzling question to me. Encouraging interactions and meaningful relationships across generations seems messy, confusing, and risky. It very well might be, but oh so worth it. How do we encourage conversations and interactions? It seems to me that in my own church generations are often in settings that are conducive to such interaction - children's ministry, youth ministry, missions trips, choirs, events, etc, but that it is hard to take those interactions and make them something relationally real.

How do I step outside of my comfortable young adult bubble and learn to get to know someone older than me? How do I navigate a real relationship with someone who is not a peer? What common ground might we have? And how do we get below the surface of Sunday morning greeting time so that we can genuinely minister to one another?

A Letter To Parents

I am not a parent. I have no children, and so I can't even begin to say that I know what it is like to walk in your shoes. But I can say this: I know that you are the most important, most influential person in the spiritual life of your adolescent. It does not matter if they acknowledge it, it does not matter if you never talk with your child about about your spiritual life or their, it does not matter if you are not sure your children are even hearing you, no matter how they react, YOU are the most important person in the outcome, formation, and longevity of the spiritual lives of your teenager.

Over and over again the research points to parents being far and away the most consistent predictor of the faith of their children. As Kenda Creasy Dean puts it "we get what we are." Christian Smith and the National Study for Youth and Religion name parents, and in particular, the mother, as the most influential factor in the participation and internalization of the faith of their children. " On page 116 of Soul Searching he says, "Family socialization generally seems to work when it comes to teenagers’ religious faith and practice. Furthermore, the quality of the relationships that parents build with their teenagers, and their own choices about marriage relationships, education, and occupations—insofar as they have choices in these areas—also create family contexts that again form the outcome of their teenagers’ religious and spiritual lives."

Your kids ARE listening, or more accurately, they are absorbing. They are absorbing your beliefs, habits, and level of internalization. I want to take a minute and talk about the internalization piece (which is a word coined by Fuller Youth Institute). In a nut shell: internalization is the level at which one's faith affects one's daily life and character. It is about Christ changing who we are, not just what we do. An integrated faith changes thoughts, values, beliefs, priorities, budgets, relationships, and schedules. A person who is internalizing their faith in Christ is moving towards loving others and God on a daily basis. This is often messy and awkward. It involves mistakes, apologies, harming others, being harmed, sharing our tender spots, it often involves anger, confusion, hope, tears, affection, kindness, and grace - lots and lots of grace. If you are moving towards internalizing your faith, then the odds are high that your child is as well. In short, adolescents are absorbing and mimicking the level at which the faith of their parents is or is not internalized.

I ask myself this often as a youth worker: Am I being transparent about my mess? I am becoming more and more passionate about parents also asking that question. The influence of positive parental relationships during adolescence is both one of the most powerful influences on lasting faith, and one of the places that our culture has stereotypically expected disengagement on both the part of the adolescent and the parent. While teens naturally reproduce the spirituality of their parents, they also benefit greatly from an adult, and most particularly, a parent having an open dialogue about one another'sspiritual lives. In particular, if you are following Christ, then sharing about your daily spiritual life, how you became a Christian, and everything in between can equip your child to navigate the transition into adulthood with their faith in tact. It makes so much sense to me! You have lived more, and you know what it looks like to follow Christ in your stage of life, and quite simply, your kids do not. They have not lived it or walked it and cannot know what it looks like without the adults in their lives being honest about what it means to follow Christ in all of its messy glory.

How you live your spiritual life matters, how you share that with your teenager matters. I am praying for you all as you make this journey. Please pray for me as I learn to relate to you and your children. Let's keep walking this road together.

Adolescents vs. Teenagers

I use these terms interchangeably, mostly out of convenience. But I have a fairly large inner battle about it every time. I feel that "teenager" is closer to slang and "adolescent" is closer to an academic term. I tend to use "adolescent" when I am writing for an academic setting, and "teenager" when I am trying to reach a wider audience. I am not sure that it matters.

I am always concerned with conveying respect for this age group in general and that is done in more relational ways like always recognizing their value, giving them equal weight in their opinions and ideas, and in never underestimating or assuming the worst about either the group or an individual student. It can also be done in writing. I think that all of these terms, like many terms, can convey either respect or disrespect depending on the context. Teenager is the term, I think, with the most potential for disrespect because it is the term most frequently used in pop culture and usually brings to mind the stereotype, and not an individual or even the age group. It makes sense, then, to steer away from using it. However, because of its popularity it often reaches the widest audience. Adolescent is the word that does bring to mind the age group, the developmental stage and a good deal of the research that is available. It is the term that is used the most frequently in academics, and, I think, the word that conveys the most respect for the population.

I also find myself using terms like student, young adult, emerging adult, and youth... the lines get blurry. But, in the end, it sometimes boils down to variety for my readers and myself. Because I am so passionate about this age group, this stage of life, I have to use more than one term just to stay sane. I tend to use adolescent in academic writings, and teenager in writings that interact with pop culture or stereotypes, and young adult or emerging adult when I am talking about someone who is of age to have graduated from high school. But these are just rules of thumb. In end I have to say something just to write, so bear with me as I figure it out.

Youth Ministry: Parent Ministry?

Did I mention yet that I am a nerd? I spent a good portion of my Saturday sitting in Caribou doing research. I am currently reading A Faith of Their Own by Lisa Pearce and Melinda Lundquist Denton. I am reading it partially because I am more than a little interested in this type of research and its results, and partially because I want to try to synthesize some of this information into something useable for those in youth ministry.

A repeated theme in this research is the importance of parents. We get what we are. (This is a little unfair to say because I am not a parent, but the saying itself holds true) Parents are consistently the best predictors of the spiritual life of young people. In Soul Searching (116), Smith states it this way, “Family socialization generally seems to work when it comes to teenagers’ religious faith and practice. Furthermore, the quality of the relationships that parents build with their teenagers, and their own choices about marriage relationships, education, and occupations—insofar as they have choices in these areas—also create family contexts that again form the outcome of their teenagers’ religious and spiritual lives.” In A Faith of Their Own, this theme is reiterated about religious behavior and beliefs for students in all levels of religious engagement. In short, if parents attend church on a regular basis and integrate thier faith into their daily lives, children do. If parents don’t, neither do their children. And if parents are sporadic, nominal or culturally Christian, so are their children.

One thing is becoming more and more obvious to me: as youth workers we must minister to parents. I wonder how many of our ministries do this at all? How many do it well? What does it take to build this kind of ministry?

I think ministering to families is one of the largest challenges facing the youth worker today. Families are incredibly hard to minister to as a whole. One has to consider all ages, all maturity levels, and all education levels. Each family has a unique pattern of communication. Each family has a set of rules, assumptions, values, dysfunctions and functions. And each family is composed of individuals working as a whole. It is daunting to think of ministering to a family, and, specifically to parents. I love listening to parents about their children and vice versa, and while listening is incredibly valuable, it is not, in and of itself, the kind of ministry that is going to help build and equip families to grow in their faith in Christ.

The real question is, of course: what is?

Why "Rowdy" Worship Is Apporpriate

Several years ago, I was at the wedding of one of my dearest friends and I was so happy that all I could do was grin from ear to ear and dance. I was so joyful that the only truly appropriate and satisfying outlet was dancing.

I am actually in both of these, can you find me?

Dani and Jon danced. Don't they just look so happy?

Frank and Betsy Broke it down, and they weren't the only ones.



In contrast, I stand at the back of youth group and wonder about the dancing and the fast-paced songs. What is the jumping really all about? Teenagers tend to do things in groups, so is it just because it is what everyone is doing? Are we really honoring God with jumping and yelling and clapping and laughing?  That voice is answered by another, I wish that I had the freedom to jump- somehow it seems right. I feel like dancing, but I can't seem to get my body to move that way. I really know and respect that young woman's spiritual life and there she is, jumping up and down and waiving her hands in the air- why should that be strange to me?

Why is it that I can dance at a wedding, but not at church? Yesterday I got a glimer of an answer to that question. I was listening to this song on the way to church, and it was such a great call to worship. Seriously, listen to it, I know that it is another 3 minutes of your time, but I promise it is worth it. The rythyms are intertwined with lyrics about Christ marrying the church, redeeming us as lovers (love- ED lovers, who respond to a perfect love, not those who love first) and then tied in again with the second coming, salvation, evangelism, and communion. I could not help but go into church ready to lift my voice, broken and sinful because I do have hope. How could I not have hope when there is such love in the world? How could I not dance? How could I not take the up and the bread and wine? How could I not participate, honor, and celebrate with other worshipers when this call rings with my Spirit? It has been a long time since I have felt the call to dance and celebrate in worship in such clear theological terms.

"So lift your voice just one more time
If there’s any hope may it be a sign
That everything was made to shine
Despite what you can see"

My skeptical, self-protective heart does not easily engage in worship in song, let alone dance. And here is a clear, compelling truth saying "lift your voice, Sarah, if there is any hope that may be a sign that everything was made to shine despite what we can see." Here is an acknowledgement that Love in its smallest form births hope, that even in the hardest of hearts, and in the smallest amounts, it is a reason to sing and dance. Such a God is well-met by drums, shouts, yawps, and intruments. Such a God is well-met by teenagers jumping, yelling, and dancing because they see something about God that I have missed.

The Best Way to Celebrate Graduation

It is the season of graduations. I enjoy formal ceremonies like graduations, weddings, and even funerals. I think there is something to the structure, formality, and ritual of these occasions. Ever notice that they each have their own expected events and even clothing? Tux, white dress, black or grey, and cap and gown. You exchange rings, listen to a eulogy, walk across a stage, shake a hand, and get a diploma. At my graduation they commissioned us to go out into the world with the knowledge we have and endeavor to change and influence the world for Christ. I felt the weight of that call.

I think there is something in that, too. As churches we have a burden to help mark high school graduation as a right of passage. We are to help students understand their own spiritual journeys and to go forth into what is beyond high school- building on the foundation of their relationship with God. Yes, I thnk that we can help them celebrate their personal growth and achievements, but their families, high schools, friends, and our society already help them do that. As a church it is our calling to help them understand where they have been in their spiritual lives and, maybe more importantly, where they are going.

If youth are graduating from the church and never returning after they leave high school, then this occasion is a crucial time for youth workers to mark this as a passage into another leg of their spiritual marathon. We ought to help them identify the foundations of their spiritual lives. We ought to help them to see that their relationship with Christ affects their decisions as they move forward. We ought to help them make space to engage with him as they move on to the next thing in life. It is our role to call them to know god better in the next phase of life and to commit to walk with them as they learn what that means. Graduation celebrations ought to be unabashedly spiritual in nature.

Insulting 7th Grade Girls

I was at a public event this weekend, that may or may not have been a  high school graduation, and the speaker insulted all 7th grade girls. No, I am not kidding. I wish that I were. In the midst of making a point, he said something to the effect of "Do you actually enjoy conflict? Do you enjoy being at odds with or in the midst of an aurgument with another person? There is a word for that - dramatic pause - a seventh grade girl." My head shot up, the jaw of the person next to me dropped and suprise registered on her face, there was scattered laughter from the audience, and I noticed several dads and moms put their arms comfortingly around young women while speaking in their ears. My heart broke when I saw the face of a crestfallen young woman regsiter the statement.

It is 18 hours later and I am still offended and upset. It is not okay to insult your audience for the sake of entertainment. It very well may not have occured to him that there would be 7th grade girls in the room, and people that love 7th grade girls.  It is unfortunate, as he was in many other ways an expcetional speaker, but he lost my respect after that point. And I wonder why he was chosen to speak at an event honoring young men and women as they make their transition into adulthood.

Sadly, it is common practice for speakers to insult teenagers. I understand a little of why people do this. Teenagers are very visible in our culture, and shows like Glee do not cast them in the best light. Teenagers can be hard to understand and very initmidating, especially in large groups. Many adults view teenagers as foolish, fiivolous, and unfriendly. And people laugh at these jokes. So, in some ways it can be the perfect mix of ingredients for a laugh when one is one stage. Adolescents are incredibly insecure, and it is unkind to insult them at all, and unwise to do so when speaking in public. These are young men and women created in God's image, and because of their insecurities and vulnerabilities they deserve the extra mile when it comes to compassion.

Everything I need to know about ministry, I learned at TIU

Everything I need to know about ministry, I learned at TIU. Okay, not everything, but a good number of things. In this case: the importance of modeling. Everything is clanging gongs and crashing symbols without love and every attempt at discipleship is empty without modeling. This afternoon (by which I mean two or three weeks ago when I actually drafted this post), as I sat at the

Towne Square

restaurant with Stephanie, many of my thoughts about small groups came into focus. This is partially because these days I am preoccupied with the revamp of our youth group and partially because Stephanie articulated something that I have been ruminating on- the importance of modeling in transformative ministry.

The people who have had the most impact on my life are those who have let me into theirs. I really want our small groups to be a place where adolescents see the inside of the lives of adults who are living out their faith. And I think that this is why people volunteer in youth ministry- yes?  I want to see adults and teenagers connecting, and in Stephanie’s words, realizing that they are both human.

Yes! I am passionate about this connection and its value, but Steph rightly pointed out that it is the foundation to something greater. As one who would seek to disciple adolescents, not only do I have to be transparent, but I need to be living out my faith, AND I have to be willing to let young people see my life. This is where I feel the most challenged- one cannot program authentic, soul-changing, life changing Christianity. But it can be fed, nurtured and modeled.

i just wanna know what you think...

Ugh. Today I am frustrated with the deterioration of writing, and specifically, of grammar. What? Grammar? Yes, grammar. I correspond with teenagers for a living, and in the past two years I have noticed a marked decline in the use of proper grammar; and not just the intricacies of a semicolon. To be honest, that is the one I mess up the most frequently. I am referring to very basic things like complete sentences, end of sentence punctuation, and capitalization. Does anyone else out there wonder what is going to become a society that communicates by saying things like, "nice to c u"? Here is the thing that really gets me: this is all well and good in texting and on facebook. I am all for texting, and I am obviously all for facebook. But in emails? letters? official communique with college admissions personnel? So, let me enumerate a list of some of my grammatical pet peeves. There are many.  Because I want all of you to continue liking me after you read this post, I have decided to narrow it down to my top four.

But first, some disclaimers:
1. I fully acknowledge the hypocrisy in this post. Grammar is not my strong suit. I publish grammatical mistakes on this blog often.
2. These mistakes and errors are by no means the norm in the writing that I see. They are increasing, but they are not rampant yet.
3. I have been feeding my inner curmudgeon about this all day. As a result, there is a needlessly angry tone to the whole post.

#1 
"i" as in "i just wanna know what you think..." I don't know if people realize that this communicates not only extreme laziness, but it calls into question how the writer views herself. Do you not think of yourself as a warranting a proper noun? Do you want me to think of you as warranting a proper noun? Are you making a theological statement? Are you simply used to your word processor doing this for you? If so, is that really okay?

#2 
"..." an ellipses as in "i just wanna know what you think.." Do you? Are you sure that you want to know what I think? Is it a question? Is it a statement? The proper use of an ellipses is to note that you omitted something. For example, "For God so loved the world...have eternal life." When used at the end of a sentence it does not, in fact, communicate "melancholy." (thank you, wikipedia.. yet another reason not to use wikipedia as a formal source. But that is another rant for another entry) It communicates uncertainty and confusion and leaves your reader wondering if you meant to say what you said.

#3 
complete lack of punctuation as in "i am just wondering what you think because i am concerned you might be annoyed or think of reasons to be annoyed and i really care about you and i don't want to risk offending you i might have already done that and what do you think i really need to know what you think" I don't think that I need to say any more.

#4 
"too, not to" as in "i am going too let you know if i have plans on Friday." I don't think this mistake reflects the deterioration of writing in our society, it just plain drives me nuts. "Too" means "also" or "in excess." "To" is either a preposition or part of a verb. I am curious how people are going to react to the cynical nature of this post, maybe it will be too much for some.

the future of youth ministry

Okay, I can barely contain myself... There is an amazing discussion going on about the future of youth ministry here. I highly recommend reading all five parts, and I ressonate most with parts 3-5. In fact, if you only have 20 minutes, stop reading my blog and read Marko's. (seriously, do it) Marko asked a simple question to people "smarter than him" who are either studying or practicing youth minsitry or both. "The future of youth ministry.." The link above contains their answers and the discussion that follows.

I think that the future of youth ministry is about connecting students with adults who are vulnerably modeling and sharing their faith, and about providing spaces for teenagers to process, think through, and own the deeper questions about Christianity. I am not saying anything new, or anything that was not already said in the discussion in these blogs or in the flurry of articles, websites, books and research projects pouring out about just this subject. I am more or less expounding on several of the directions mentioned: intergenerational ministry, parents, and discipleship, and, of course, anything said by Kenda Creasy Dean.

These values have often been part of youth minsitry, but youth ministry the way it is structured now does not provide a place for these sorts of relationships and discussions. One of the comments on Marko's blog called it an age-based grotto. This is exactly why I am excited to be part of revamping the way we are doing youth ministry at Trinity Community Church. Are we sure that what we are doing and how we are doing it is the right way? no. We are sure that youth minsitry needs to shift in order to accomodate shifting needs. Needs that have shifted. So, we are moving our small groups into homes, geopgraphically based communities, and we are placing young men and women with adult leaders in those groups. In so doing we are intentionally getting students in the homes of Christian adults from our church, and connecting them with adults who are living out their faith, and creating an atmosphere where adolescents can connect with other Christians their age. I think that these are great steps toward connecting students with adults who are vulnerably modeling and sharing their faith and about providing spaces for teenagers to process, think through and own the deeper questions about Christianity.

Christianity vs. Christian Morality

In his recent round of research, Christian Smith observes that a sort of Christian morality is the “dominant outlook on religion” for emerging adults. On page 286 of Souls in Transition he states, “Most emerging adults think that most religions have the same core principles, which they generally believe are good. But the particularities of any given religion are peripheral trappings that can be more or less ignored. The best thing about religion is that helps people to be good, to make good choices, to behave well.” I think that we might be seeing the result of what T. S. Elliot calls a “dangerous inversion.” “To justify Christianity because it provides a foundation of morality, instead of showing the necessity of Christian morality from the truth of Christianity, is a very dangerous inversion.”

This quote was a bit of an “aha” moment for me. The observations of Smith and his colleagues about emerging adult attitudes towards religion ring true. What weighs more heavily on my heart and mind is that these attitudes are present in my corner of the religious world. I can identify previous church-attending or youth-group-attending students now in college and beyond who think that Christianity is mostly about behaving and thinking well. Sure, it comes in a package that includes Jesus and forgiveness of sins, the Bible, and service to others. That is what we teach. But what if what we are really about in the church is behavior?

How many times did I enforce this by asking a question in small group or one on one that was aimed at behavior? “What are you going to do differently because of this teaching?” “What in your life can you see that does not line up with message of this passage?” These are good questions to ask and good challenges to make- especially because adolescents often have a disconnect between ideas, actions and consequences. But I wonder: are they the questions? These questions get at behaviors, outcomes, and, sometimes, at best, thought patterns. But is this what Jesus teaches?
Behavior and dispositions are frequently addressed in the Bible, but they are usually the outcome, not the axis. For example, both Colossians and Ephesians have lists and lists of “do’s and don’ts.” Put to death sexual immorality, evil desires, greed. Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, forgiveness. But the reason for these shifts is clear: Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved clothe yourselves with…. And again in Ephesians Paul admonishes behaviors on the foundation of the gospel. The Ephesians were taken from their old way of life, rescued by Christ, consecrated and loved, therefore actions and thoughts change. Surely there is a call for a stringent Christian morality, and surely it is based on the love of Christ for us.

I ought to be so moved by His love and care for me that my response to him is to honor him with my actions and thoughts. Elliot’s observation rings true. It is backwards to start with actions because they are Christian and forwards start with Christ and respond with actions. I will ask different questions. “Why is doing or not doing something significant to God?” “Why would that matter?” “What does it say about His intentions and heart towards you?” What does it say about your intentions and heart towards Him?” “Where do you feel the love of God, and how are you compelled to act because of that love?” Perhaps this is one way to distinguish Christianity from the religion of Christian morality.

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