Knocked Down: Transparency

This is part 4 of series about being spiritually knocked on my ass, and what a journey it has been thus far! A large part of what the Lord is showing me is that I am too closed, too judgemental, too self-protective. (is that even a word?) Some of the things that have been simultaneously the most challenging and the most rewarding have been the interactions from others based on what I have posted thus far. I guess that I knew it might start a dialogue- isn't that part of the point of a blog? But, what I did not expect was to still feel so exposed and vulnerable when this part of my journey is brought up in person.

Its funny that I did not see that coming- it makes sense that I would still feel the emotions about what I wrote when someone brings it up in person. Of course, I knew when I put all this on the internet that is was, well, on the internet, and that anyone could read it.(and all of my previous rants about facebook being public come back to haunt me) But I did not know what that meant, not really.  I am surprised that it is vulnerable for me to be present about my brokeness with the person in front of me. This is something that until now I have only done with a few people- people that have worked the hardest to understand me, people that I was certain would accept my mess.

Many of you have commented on my courage in posting about this particular spiritual journey, and I am very thankful for the feedback and encouragement. I think that I expected that only those whom I have previously shared this type of honesty would respond. Instead, I am walking through interactions and responses that feel risky to me. I am not certain how people are responding to what I have shared, or if my mess is safe with them, but there we are, having the conversation anyway. I am learning that I can trust more people than I thought. I am learning to trust that I am welcome with the Lord, and that He will take care of me. I think that this opening to a wider range of people is exactly what the Lord was after. I am enjoying the new conversations, new connections, and getting to hear, in turn, about the journey of others. I am enjoying this wider, fuller view of Church.  Please bear with me as I continue to toddle through this new thing the Lord is teaching me.

Knocked Down: A Response, Galations 3, And A Few Glimers of Redemption

This post is part 3 of a series about having the wind knocked out of me by the Lord.  Biggest. Understatement. Ever. For the beginning of the story click here, and for part 2, click here.

I am haunted by J.R.’s statement that most of the time it is best to lean into what God is doing in our lives right now and the opportunities that He has brought and trust that out of that He will bring what He will. God has a very ambitious and crazy goal- to save humanity and the path to that goal was self-sacrifice and, ultimately, death and that somehow that brought life. If our God walked such a path, how can we expect to walk a different one?

I need to lay down my pride, but that is the heart of the matter, is it not? The catch 22 in this situation is that I can’t lay down my pride and I can’t really wrestle with this truth because it is counter to my ambitious nature and my pride.

But I am not questioning my call, in the midst of all that, there is one thing that remains pure, and I am so encouraged by that. I am encouraged by the very clear call of the Spirit on my life to work with youth and academics. I am so encouraged by the core of the things that You have given me and that don’t change, even with my sin. And there is sin here. I think that is part of why I am so uncomfortable: I am uneasy having my sin exposed and my motives laid bare. I am uneasy knowing that I have sinned and that it is not in the least hidden- not from You eyes and not from the eyes of others. I am laid bare in my pride. My pride at doing what You have called my to do- Oh foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched me, indeed?

When did this sin creep in? And where did my heart grab onto it? And why does it hurt? But it does. It hurts to know that I have left the keeper of my heart and soul and walked somewhere that He has not intended me to, that I have taken His good gifts and used them for my own gain, and used them to get fame for myself and not the Famous One. Here is my sin, and here is my angst, and here is my failing. I have failed in this.

How do I lean into what You have given me when I have marred it? But there is Your grace again, burning bridges and welcoming me with every start, pulling out a chair and saying “sit and eat my meat.” I do have mixed motives, I want glory and fame, but here You are, with your Spirit, pointing out my motives and gently, firmly asking me to lay it down and walk that path in front of me with humility. Feed my lambs, Sarah. Do you love me? Then feed my lambs.

Here is your grace, purifying me. It sucks, and I am grateful.

Knocked Down: Ambition

In my last post I mentioned dinner with the Rozkos and Annie. During this dinner, J.R. asked a very Spirit-inspired question: Am I able to discern the difference between holy ambition and ambition for personal gain. No. I am not. I am not able to do that at all. I am not even sure that I intellectually know the difference. It is easier to see the difference when I am in a situation, but still fuzzy most of the time. 

The thing that I find the most challenging in this is that my motives are mixed all of the time. I would like to be in a situation, know that it is all holy ambition or ambition for personal gain and then be able to reject the unhealthy ambition, pull myself out of the situation, submit it to the Lord, or in some other way take appropriate action. But it is not that simple.I have so much pride in me. Even now as I type this, I am writing for you, my audience. I want to know what you will think. Do you find me witty? Entertaining? smart? helpful? an expert in my subject? And I can see that this is exactly what the Spirit was after in that comment, but I can’t let it go. I want this. I want it badly. I want it so badly that at times I feel blinded to all other things. It is a good and noble and worthwhile goal – to serve those in youth ministry and to help impact the way that people do youth ministry. But even that sounds prideful. That is prideful.

Each situation is so muddled. I want to do something both because it is my calling, because it is serving the Lord, because it glorifies Him to use my gifts, AND because it comes with the spotlight, because I have a goal that I want to pursue, and because it feeds the people-pleasing, fame-seeking part of me. I cannot just throw my motives out of the window or withdraw from the task at hand.

Instead I am left to sift through the internal mess. What is the difference between these ambitions? I do think there is such a thing as godly ambition. All kinds of things that come from God are gutsy- when was the last time God balked at say, reaching people from every tribe and nation, or saving the souls of humans, or at defeating Satan, or at creating a universe? How many men and women have been lead into incredibly ambitious tasks? It seems in line with asking us to cultivate our talents and spiritual gifts, and with participating in God's actions in the world. I think that I have godly ambitions, they are just intertwined with ungodly ones so that any given task or opportunity comes from both places in me. I have no idea how God is going to redeem this in me, but I know that He will. Oh, will He! About this, I have no doubts. This sin and mixing of motives was brought to the surface for one reason- to take care of it. It's the process that is a bear.

Knocked Down

Two things have knocked me on my ass this week: a personal psalm by my friend Sam and dinner with the Rozkos. Sam is a long-time friend of mine who shared a modern psalm on Sunday. It was incredibly moving to watch him read what he had written and bring it before the Lord and our church. The psalm was vulnerable, honest, gritty, moving, and very much a suprise to me. I did not expect to be so moved by his story, his cry to the Lord. But I am, and I am having a hard time facing that internally. His vulerability before our church and before the Lord are quite a challenge- that is church, and he did it well. I feel unequal to the task. Sharing like he did means that I have to let people into my crap and there is a very real possibility that I will be rejected, and, it feels,  rightfully so. It means that I have to fully bring myself before others and risk their suprise at my inner world. That means also that I have to let go of my dreams of being a famous youth minsitry thinker.

That is where dinner with the Rozkos comes in. In order to better start out on the road to becomming a famous youth ministry thinker, I met with two people from Life on the Vine that are mutual friends with Annie. I am terrible at seeing the first few steps to any very long journey, especially if they are at all practical. I wanted help thinking through changes I can make in my life now that will set me up for success later. That was the conversation I expected to have over dinner. I came out with a very different set of steps to take: almost all of which were internal and corrective. Corrective is putting it midly. The Spirit was there at Noodles and Company, cutting into the crap that lives in my soul, exposing it in great detail. I am ambitious, and not in a way that honors the Lord or serves others. I am insecure. I am egotistical. The Rozkos did not say these things, Annie did not, and I did not, but the Spirit laid them bare in me.

I hate them. They drive me crazy because they are ugly and do not honor the Lord or love others. I would like to tell you that I am submitting to the Lord in this and letting Him work it out in me, but that is not the case. I am holding onto these ugly things in me with all my might. I feel entitled to my ambition. I feel capable of affecting the change I want to see. I feel stubborn. And I can see that feeling these things is not really okay and not really what I want in the long run. I can see that I am facing off with God, and that I am going to loose. And yet, here I am, at the line anyway. I wish that I could say I am happy about it, and I wish that I could say that I am learning and growing and how glorious that is. But I can't at the moment, I am just on my ass. I feel like this guy.