A Letter To Parents

I am not a parent. I have no children, and so I can't even begin to say that I know what it is like to walk in your shoes. But I can say this: I know that you are the most important, most influential person in the spiritual life of your adolescent. It does not matter if they acknowledge it, it does not matter if you never talk with your child about about your spiritual life or their, it does not matter if you are not sure your children are even hearing you, no matter how they react, YOU are the most important person in the outcome, formation, and longevity of the spiritual lives of your teenager.

Over and over again the research points to parents being far and away the most consistent predictor of the faith of their children. As Kenda Creasy Dean puts it "we get what we are." Christian Smith and the National Study for Youth and Religion name parents, and in particular, the mother, as the most influential factor in the participation and internalization of the faith of their children. " On page 116 of Soul Searching he says, "Family socialization generally seems to work when it comes to teenagers’ religious faith and practice. Furthermore, the quality of the relationships that parents build with their teenagers, and their own choices about marriage relationships, education, and occupations—insofar as they have choices in these areas—also create family contexts that again form the outcome of their teenagers’ religious and spiritual lives."

Your kids ARE listening, or more accurately, they are absorbing. They are absorbing your beliefs, habits, and level of internalization. I want to take a minute and talk about the internalization piece (which is a word coined by Fuller Youth Institute). In a nut shell: internalization is the level at which one's faith affects one's daily life and character. It is about Christ changing who we are, not just what we do. An integrated faith changes thoughts, values, beliefs, priorities, budgets, relationships, and schedules. A person who is internalizing their faith in Christ is moving towards loving others and God on a daily basis. This is often messy and awkward. It involves mistakes, apologies, harming others, being harmed, sharing our tender spots, it often involves anger, confusion, hope, tears, affection, kindness, and grace - lots and lots of grace. If you are moving towards internalizing your faith, then the odds are high that your child is as well. In short, adolescents are absorbing and mimicking the level at which the faith of their parents is or is not internalized.

I ask myself this often as a youth worker: Am I being transparent about my mess? I am becoming more and more passionate about parents also asking that question. The influence of positive parental relationships during adolescence is both one of the most powerful influences on lasting faith, and one of the places that our culture has stereotypically expected disengagement on both the part of the adolescent and the parent. While teens naturally reproduce the spirituality of their parents, they also benefit greatly from an adult, and most particularly, a parent having an open dialogue about one another'sspiritual lives. In particular, if you are following Christ, then sharing about your daily spiritual life, how you became a Christian, and everything in between can equip your child to navigate the transition into adulthood with their faith in tact. It makes so much sense to me! You have lived more, and you know what it looks like to follow Christ in your stage of life, and quite simply, your kids do not. They have not lived it or walked it and cannot know what it looks like without the adults in their lives being honest about what it means to follow Christ in all of its messy glory.

How you live your spiritual life matters, how you share that with your teenager matters. I am praying for you all as you make this journey. Please pray for me as I learn to relate to you and your children. Let's keep walking this road together.

An Academic Crush

It feels a little vulnerable to put this out there in the world -- I have an academic crush. Yes, an academic crush. I get actual flitters in my stomach when I think about all the amazing work done by this woman. I find myself checking out all her books at the library, reading her blog, listening to her pod casts and thinking about doing a PhD at her institution- all just to learn from her and hear more of her thoughts. Sometimes I even get that big, silly grin on my face when I think about all the things I know and like about her. Who is she? Kenda Creasy Dean. She is courageous, wise, and very, very up to date, one sure-fire way to my academic heart,  she participated in some very large, very respectable research projects.

Listen to this woman's courage:

“Youth Ministry is as much about being the church as it is working with adolescents. If teenagers consider Christianity inconsequential- if American young people find the church worthy of “benign wateverism” and no more- them maybe the issue is simple that the emperor has no clothes, and young people are telling churches that that we are not who we say we are. If we fail to bear God’s life-altering, world-changing, fear-shattering good news (which is after all the reason the church exists in the first place) –if desire for God and devotion to our fellow human beings is replaces by a loveless shell of religiosity- then young people unable to find consequential Christianity in the church absolutely should default to something safer. In fact, that is exactly what they are doing."- Almost Christian, 24.

Dang. "a loveless shell of religiosity" That is something I often think, but she just laid it out there. Brave. And yet it is loving in and of itself, does not love speak the truth directly when it needs to be done? I think that she is delivering some very important messages about the state of the church in America. Are we listening?

Listen to her passion and tenderness of heart:
" During my years of parish youth ministry I learned that pastoring teenagers is not about 'youth ministry'; its about minsitry. period. Tending to the souls of the young taught me how to listen more deeply to the needs of people - all people- young and old alike. Ministry that addresses adolescents' most deep-seated, acted out passions touches something fundamental to being human, not just fundamental to being a teenager." - The Godbearing Life, 15.


She is theolgically grounded:

“What matters is not that young people belong to a peculiar story, but to a peculiar story about God. Christian identity is not determined by our oddity as a religion, but by Jesus Christ, who incarnation is evidence that God is not a distant, disinterested entity, but a living, invested, passionate Being who relentlessly loves us, forgives us, and drenches our lives in grace. Christian tradition maintains that the Word of God is not a text, but a person, the divine Logos, Jesus Christ.” Almost Christian, 66.

From her Amazon Page, I am not that much of a creeper.

And, in addition to all that, she just looks like she would be super-friendly! Doesn't she? I want to sit next to her on that plane and hear all about the conference she is going to or coming from. So, that is it. I have put it out there in the world: I really admire this woman.

the future of youth ministry

Okay, I can barely contain myself... There is an amazing discussion going on about the future of youth ministry here. I highly recommend reading all five parts, and I ressonate most with parts 3-5. In fact, if you only have 20 minutes, stop reading my blog and read Marko's. (seriously, do it) Marko asked a simple question to people "smarter than him" who are either studying or practicing youth minsitry or both. "The future of youth ministry.." The link above contains their answers and the discussion that follows.

I think that the future of youth ministry is about connecting students with adults who are vulnerably modeling and sharing their faith, and about providing spaces for teenagers to process, think through, and own the deeper questions about Christianity. I am not saying anything new, or anything that was not already said in the discussion in these blogs or in the flurry of articles, websites, books and research projects pouring out about just this subject. I am more or less expounding on several of the directions mentioned: intergenerational ministry, parents, and discipleship, and, of course, anything said by Kenda Creasy Dean.

These values have often been part of youth minsitry, but youth ministry the way it is structured now does not provide a place for these sorts of relationships and discussions. One of the comments on Marko's blog called it an age-based grotto. This is exactly why I am excited to be part of revamping the way we are doing youth ministry at Trinity Community Church. Are we sure that what we are doing and how we are doing it is the right way? no. We are sure that youth minsitry needs to shift in order to accomodate shifting needs. Needs that have shifted. So, we are moving our small groups into homes, geopgraphically based communities, and we are placing young men and women with adult leaders in those groups. In so doing we are intentionally getting students in the homes of Christian adults from our church, and connecting them with adults who are living out their faith, and creating an atmosphere where adolescents can connect with other Christians their age. I think that these are great steps toward connecting students with adults who are vulnerably modeling and sharing their faith and about providing spaces for teenagers to process, think through and own the deeper questions about Christianity.