Thursday, June 30, 2011

Knocked Down: Transparency

This is part 4 of series about being spiritually knocked on my ass, and what a journey it has been thus far! A large part of what the Lord is showing me is that I am too closed, too judgemental, too self-protective. (is that even a word?) Some of the things that have been simultaneously the most challenging and the most rewarding have been the interactions from others based on what I have posted thus far. I guess that I knew it might start a dialogue- isn't that part of the point of a blog? But, what I did not expect was to still feel so exposed and vulnerable when this part of my journey is brought up in person.

Its funny that I did not see that coming- it makes sense that I would still feel the emotions about what I wrote when someone brings it up in person. Of course, I knew when I put all this on the internet that is was, well, on the internet, and that anyone could read it.(and all of my previous rants about facebook being public come back to haunt me) But I did not know what that meant, not really.  I am surprised that it is vulnerable for me to be present about my brokeness with the person in front of me. This is something that until now I have only done with a few people- people that have worked the hardest to understand me, people that I was certain would accept my mess.

Many of you have commented on my courage in posting about this particular spiritual journey, and I am very thankful for the feedback and encouragement. I think that I expected that only those whom I have previously shared this type of honesty would respond. Instead, I am walking through interactions and responses that feel risky to me. I am not certain how people are responding to what I have shared, or if my mess is safe with them, but there we are, having the conversation anyway. I am learning that I can trust more people than I thought. I am learning to trust that I am welcome with the Lord, and that He will take care of me. I think that this opening to a wider range of people is exactly what the Lord was after. I am enjoying the new conversations, new connections, and getting to hear, in turn, about the journey of others. I am enjoying this wider, fuller view of Church.  Please bear with me as I continue to toddle through this new thing the Lord is teaching me.

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