This post is part 3 of a series about having the wind knocked out of me by the Lord. Biggest. Understatement. Ever. For the beginning of the story click here, and for part 2, click here.
I am haunted by J.R.’s statement that most of the time it is best to lean into what God is doing in our lives right now and the opportunities that He has brought and trust that out of that He will bring what He will. God has a very ambitious and crazy goal- to save humanity and the path to that goal was self-sacrifice and, ultimately, death and that somehow that brought life. If our God walked such a path, how can we expect to walk a different one?
I need to lay down my pride, but that is the heart of the matter, is it not? The catch 22 in this situation is that I can’t lay down my pride and I can’t really wrestle with this truth because it is counter to my ambitious nature and my pride.
But I am not questioning my call, in the midst of all that, there is one thing that remains pure, and I am so encouraged by that. I am encouraged by the very clear call of the Spirit on my life to work with youth and academics. I am so encouraged by the core of the things that You have given me and that don’t change, even with my sin. And there is sin here. I think that is part of why I am so uncomfortable: I am uneasy having my sin exposed and my motives laid bare. I am uneasy knowing that I have sinned and that it is not in the least hidden- not from You eyes and not from the eyes of others. I am laid bare in my pride. My pride at doing what You have called my to do- Oh foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched me, indeed?
When did this sin creep in? And where did my heart grab onto it? And why does it hurt? But it does. It hurts to know that I have left the keeper of my heart and soul and walked somewhere that He has not intended me to, that I have taken His good gifts and used them for my own gain, and used them to get fame for myself and not the Famous One. Here is my sin, and here is my angst, and here is my failing. I have failed in this.
How do I lean into what You have given me when I have marred it? But there is Your grace again, burning bridges and welcoming me with every start, pulling out a chair and saying “sit and eat my meat.” I do have mixed motives, I want glory and fame, but here You are, with your Spirit, pointing out my motives and gently, firmly asking me to lay it down and walk that path in front of me with humility. Feed my lambs, Sarah. Do you love me? Then feed my lambs.
Here is your grace, purifying me. It sucks, and I am grateful.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Knocked Down: Ambition
In my last post I mentioned dinner with the Rozkos and Annie. During this dinner, J.R. asked a very Spirit-inspired question: Am I able to discern the difference between holy ambition and ambition for personal gain. No. I am not. I am not able to do that at all. I am not even sure that I intellectually know the difference. It is easier to see the difference when I am in a situation, but still fuzzy most of the time.
The thing that I find the most challenging in this is that my motives are mixed all of the time. I would like to be in a situation, know that it is all holy ambition or ambition for personal gain and then be able to reject the unhealthy ambition, pull myself out of the situation, submit it to the Lord, or in some other way take appropriate action. But it is not that simple.I have so much pride in me. Even now as I type this, I am writing for you, my audience. I want to know what you will think. Do you find me witty? Entertaining? smart? helpful? an expert in my subject? And I can see that this is exactly what the Spirit was after in that comment, but I can’t let it go. I want this. I want it badly. I want it so badly that at times I feel blinded to all other things. It is a good and noble and worthwhile goal – to serve those in youth ministry and to help impact the way that people do youth ministry. But even that sounds prideful. That is prideful.
Each situation is so muddled. I want to do something both because it is my calling, because it is serving the Lord, because it glorifies Him to use my gifts, AND because it comes with the spotlight, because I have a goal that I want to pursue, and because it feeds the people-pleasing, fame-seeking part of me. I cannot just throw my motives out of the window or withdraw from the task at hand.
Instead I am left to sift through the internal mess. What is the difference between these ambitions? I do think there is such a thing as godly ambition. All kinds of things that come from God are gutsy- when was the last time God balked at say, reaching people from every tribe and nation, or saving the souls of humans, or at defeating Satan, or at creating a universe? How many men and women have been lead into incredibly ambitious tasks? It seems in line with asking us to cultivate our talents and spiritual gifts, and with participating in God's actions in the world. I think that I have godly ambitions, they are just intertwined with ungodly ones so that any given task or opportunity comes from both places in me. I have no idea how God is going to redeem this in me, but I know that He will. Oh, will He! About this, I have no doubts. This sin and mixing of motives was brought to the surface for one reason- to take care of it. It's the process that is a bear.
The thing that I find the most challenging in this is that my motives are mixed all of the time. I would like to be in a situation, know that it is all holy ambition or ambition for personal gain and then be able to reject the unhealthy ambition, pull myself out of the situation, submit it to the Lord, or in some other way take appropriate action. But it is not that simple.I have so much pride in me. Even now as I type this, I am writing for you, my audience. I want to know what you will think. Do you find me witty? Entertaining? smart? helpful? an expert in my subject? And I can see that this is exactly what the Spirit was after in that comment, but I can’t let it go. I want this. I want it badly. I want it so badly that at times I feel blinded to all other things. It is a good and noble and worthwhile goal – to serve those in youth ministry and to help impact the way that people do youth ministry. But even that sounds prideful. That is prideful.
Each situation is so muddled. I want to do something both because it is my calling, because it is serving the Lord, because it glorifies Him to use my gifts, AND because it comes with the spotlight, because I have a goal that I want to pursue, and because it feeds the people-pleasing, fame-seeking part of me. I cannot just throw my motives out of the window or withdraw from the task at hand.
Instead I am left to sift through the internal mess. What is the difference between these ambitions? I do think there is such a thing as godly ambition. All kinds of things that come from God are gutsy- when was the last time God balked at say, reaching people from every tribe and nation, or saving the souls of humans, or at defeating Satan, or at creating a universe? How many men and women have been lead into incredibly ambitious tasks? It seems in line with asking us to cultivate our talents and spiritual gifts, and with participating in God's actions in the world. I think that I have godly ambitions, they are just intertwined with ungodly ones so that any given task or opportunity comes from both places in me. I have no idea how God is going to redeem this in me, but I know that He will. Oh, will He! About this, I have no doubts. This sin and mixing of motives was brought to the surface for one reason- to take care of it. It's the process that is a bear.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Knocked Down
Two things have knocked me on my ass this week: a personal psalm by my friend Sam and dinner with the Rozkos. Sam is a long-time friend of mine who shared a modern psalm on Sunday. It was incredibly moving to watch him read what he had written and bring it before the Lord and our church. The psalm was vulnerable, honest, gritty, moving, and very much a suprise to me. I did not expect to be so moved by his story, his cry to the Lord. But I am, and I am having a hard time facing that internally. His vulerability before our church and before the Lord are quite a challenge- that is church, and he did it well. I feel unequal to the task. Sharing like he did means that I have to let people into my crap and there is a very real possibility that I will be rejected, and, it feels, rightfully so. It means that I have to fully bring myself before others and risk their suprise at my inner world. That means also that I have to let go of my dreams of being a famous youth minsitry thinker.
That is where dinner with the Rozkos comes in. In order to better start out on the road to becomming a famous youth ministry thinker, I met with two people from Life on the Vine that are mutual friends with Annie. I am terrible at seeing the first few steps to any very long journey, especially if they are at all practical. I wanted help thinking through changes I can make in my life now that will set me up for success later. That was the conversation I expected to have over dinner. I came out with a very different set of steps to take: almost all of which were internal and corrective. Corrective is putting it midly. The Spirit was there at Noodles and Company, cutting into the crap that lives in my soul, exposing it in great detail. I am ambitious, and not in a way that honors the Lord or serves others. I am insecure. I am egotistical. The Rozkos did not say these things, Annie did not, and I did not, but the Spirit laid them bare in me.
I hate them. They drive me crazy because they are ugly and do not honor the Lord or love others. I would like to tell you that I am submitting to the Lord in this and letting Him work it out in me, but that is not the case. I am holding onto these ugly things in me with all my might. I feel entitled to my ambition. I feel capable of affecting the change I want to see. I feel stubborn. And I can see that feeling these things is not really okay and not really what I want in the long run. I can see that I am facing off with God, and that I am going to loose. And yet, here I am, at the line anyway. I wish that I could say I am happy about it, and I wish that I could say that I am learning and growing and how glorious that is. But I can't at the moment, I am just on my ass. I feel like this guy.
That is where dinner with the Rozkos comes in. In order to better start out on the road to becomming a famous youth ministry thinker, I met with two people from Life on the Vine that are mutual friends with Annie. I am terrible at seeing the first few steps to any very long journey, especially if they are at all practical. I wanted help thinking through changes I can make in my life now that will set me up for success later. That was the conversation I expected to have over dinner. I came out with a very different set of steps to take: almost all of which were internal and corrective. Corrective is putting it midly. The Spirit was there at Noodles and Company, cutting into the crap that lives in my soul, exposing it in great detail. I am ambitious, and not in a way that honors the Lord or serves others. I am insecure. I am egotistical. The Rozkos did not say these things, Annie did not, and I did not, but the Spirit laid them bare in me.
I hate them. They drive me crazy because they are ugly and do not honor the Lord or love others. I would like to tell you that I am submitting to the Lord in this and letting Him work it out in me, but that is not the case. I am holding onto these ugly things in me with all my might. I feel entitled to my ambition. I feel capable of affecting the change I want to see. I feel stubborn. And I can see that feeling these things is not really okay and not really what I want in the long run. I can see that I am facing off with God, and that I am going to loose. And yet, here I am, at the line anyway. I wish that I could say I am happy about it, and I wish that I could say that I am learning and growing and how glorious that is. But I can't at the moment, I am just on my ass. I feel like this guy.
Don't Forget The Lime
I enjoy cooking. Lately I have stumbled across several recipes that work well, and one that was an epic fail. So, I thought that I would share them with you. Aren't you glad? Try them and let me know which one is your favorite.
1. Cut the kale leaves in half lengthways, and then cut crossways into very thin ribbons (chiffonade). Steam the kale for seven minutes.
2. Meanwhile, heat the vegetable oil in a large saucepan over medium-low heat. Add the garlic and cook, stirring, for two minutes, being careful not to brown the garlic. Raise the heat to medium and add the steamed kale and spring onions. Cook for two minutes and then add the rice and cook for another two minutes, stirring.
Gwennth Paltrow's Healthy Fried Rice and Kale
1 lb kale, stems discarded
1 ½ tbsp vegetable oil
2 cloves garlic, peeled and very finely chopped
3 large spring onions, cut into 3mm diagonal slices
175g brown rice, cooked
1 ½ tbsp soy sauce
1 ½ tbsp vegetable oil
2 cloves garlic, peeled and very finely chopped
3 large spring onions, cut into 3mm diagonal slices
175g brown rice, cooked
1 ½ tbsp soy sauce
2. Meanwhile, heat the vegetable oil in a large saucepan over medium-low heat. Add the garlic and cook, stirring, for two minutes, being careful not to brown the garlic. Raise the heat to medium and add the steamed kale and spring onions. Cook for two minutes and then add the rice and cook for another two minutes, stirring.
3. Add the soy sauce and cook for 30 seconds more.
My delightful roommate loves all things Gwennth and recently bought her cookbook. It is very good and really easy to make. Did you know there are two types of Kale? I didn't. But I learned on this helpful you tube video about both types and about how to steam them. Handy. I made this with curly kale, but I hazard a guess Gwennth meant flat kale. If you use the curly kale, it needs to steam for more like 15 minutes. Try this, you will not be disappointed, it is super easy and really good for you. I ate it as a meal or 3, but she lists it as a side.
Fish Tacos
4-6 Fish fillets. I used tilapia, which is my go-to these days.
1 bell pepper
1 can corn
1 can black beans
1 jar mango salsa. I used Frontera Mango and Key Lime- I highly recommend it. I got it at Jewel.
cilantro
lettuce
lettuce
1-2 limes
1 tablespoon paprika
2 teaspoons dry mustard
1 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1 teaspoon black pepper
1 teaspoon white pepper
1 teaspoon dried thyme
1 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon paprika
2 teaspoons dry mustard
1 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1 teaspoon black pepper
1 teaspoon white pepper
1 teaspoon dried thyme
1 teaspoon salt
1. Chop bell pepper and mix with salsa, corn, and black beans. set aside.
2. Coat the fish with the above seasoning. The recipe I found called for butter, but I think olive oil works just fine as well. I also found that I ran out of seasoning about 3/4 of the way through and had to make more.
3. In a very hot skillet saute coated fish 3-4 minutes on first side and 2-3 minutes on second side until fish flakes apart with a fork.
4. Remove fish from heat set aside to cool. 8 minutes (ish)
5. Assemble and enjoy. Seriously, don't forget the lime. That is the best part. Just squeeze it over everything before you eat. I also added a little shredded cheese, because this is one of my favorite foods.
Enjoy and happy eating!
The epic fail was chicken coated in corn flakes. It looked so crunchy and good, but, alas, it was awful. It does not stay crunchy, the corn flakes don't stick to the chicken after the first 20 minutes, and the marinade (buttermilk, garlic and thyme) was super overpowering. Just trust me, don't do it, my friends. Don't coat your chicken in corn flakes no matter how crunchy and satisfying it might look. You will be left with chicken that you don't want to eat, but can't waste. And THEN what are you going to do? Sigh. I am still not sure. Any ideas?
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Feeding My Inner Nerd
Today I caught myself walking across campus with a huge grin on my face, nose burried in a book. I have become one of those people who were so befuddling to me in undergrad - openly grinning from ear to ear while reading what might appear to be a dry, purely academic work. This particular book is academic, but that does not make it dry. Academics that are well-done do affect daily life. Yes, I love this book and I have not even started reading it yet. A Faith of Their Own, like Almost Christian, came out of the research done by a National Study for Youth and Religion. So, I know it is reliable, based on careful research, and that it will dig deeply into some of the newest insights on the religious lives of teenagers. I am excited to read it!
I have been trying for the last few months to get through several youth ministry books: The Godbearing Life and Revisiting Relational Youth Ministry. I am learning that even though I am no longer in school, that I need to keep up a steady diet of intellectual stimulation. Andrew Root's book was very challenging- he pushed my understanding of incarnational youth ministry to the breaking point. He uses diagrams (always a way to my heart) and draws on the works of Dietrich Bonhoeffer as a theological foundation for relational youth ministry. The books itself is very dense. But even that was not enough. I find myself wanting to take on a project.
The National Study of Youth and Religion's recent research has proved fruitful for many, and is causing people in colleges and universities across the country to reexamine their thoughts on the best ways to practice youth minsitry in light of what we are learning about the religious lives of adolescents in America. I think that I am assigning myself a large-scale research project: sort through this research and attempt to condense it into something user-friendly for youth workers. I love a good homework assignment- break out the white board!
I have been trying for the last few months to get through several youth ministry books: The Godbearing Life and Revisiting Relational Youth Ministry. I am learning that even though I am no longer in school, that I need to keep up a steady diet of intellectual stimulation. Andrew Root's book was very challenging- he pushed my understanding of incarnational youth ministry to the breaking point. He uses diagrams (always a way to my heart) and draws on the works of Dietrich Bonhoeffer as a theological foundation for relational youth ministry. The books itself is very dense. But even that was not enough. I find myself wanting to take on a project.
The National Study of Youth and Religion's recent research has proved fruitful for many, and is causing people in colleges and universities across the country to reexamine their thoughts on the best ways to practice youth minsitry in light of what we are learning about the religious lives of adolescents in America. I think that I am assigning myself a large-scale research project: sort through this research and attempt to condense it into something user-friendly for youth workers. I love a good homework assignment- break out the white board!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Things I Love About Working In A University
1. Academics are the norm, always
I have a very large internal nerd, and I love, love, love working in a place where it is normal to read, discuss, and debate the world of ideas. I love that i can ask a biology professor if it is possible for all ethnicities to have come from two sets of DNA. I love that it is normal to ask questions and care about the answers.
2. Speakers, forums, debates and other academics events. So far at TIU I have been to a debate on the nature of the relationships inside of the Trinity, listened to philosophers, pastors, authors and professors. I have heard lectures on the nature of sin, women in ministry, and international economics.
3. This one is not really all that different from #2, but I am going to embarce it anway, and you should, too. Time off for conferences, meetings and speakers, forums, debates and other academics events. Not only are these available to me, but I get to take some of my vacation time to attend. And I don't have to use a ton of vacation time to do it because I can walk to them, and return to my work day.
4. Regalia!
5. Titles. Prof. Dr., President, Provost, etc.
6. The academic schedule. No, I do not get the summers off, but things still move in semesters even for staff. Our days and weeks and years are ruled by the rhythm of mid terms, homecoming, and commencement. We all work and rest with learning and achievement.
7. It has to be said- my co-workers. They are the best part of my work day, and we just happen to work at a University.
I have a very large internal nerd, and I love, love, love working in a place where it is normal to read, discuss, and debate the world of ideas. I love that i can ask a biology professor if it is possible for all ethnicities to have come from two sets of DNA. I love that it is normal to ask questions and care about the answers.
2. Speakers, forums, debates and other academics events. So far at TIU I have been to a debate on the nature of the relationships inside of the Trinity, listened to philosophers, pastors, authors and professors. I have heard lectures on the nature of sin, women in ministry, and international economics.
3. This one is not really all that different from #2, but I am going to embarce it anway, and you should, too. Time off for conferences, meetings and speakers, forums, debates and other academics events. Not only are these available to me, but I get to take some of my vacation time to attend. And I don't have to use a ton of vacation time to do it because I can walk to them, and return to my work day.
5. Titles. Prof. Dr., President, Provost, etc.
6. The academic schedule. No, I do not get the summers off, but things still move in semesters even for staff. Our days and weeks and years are ruled by the rhythm of mid terms, homecoming, and commencement. We all work and rest with learning and achievement.
7. It has to be said- my co-workers. They are the best part of my work day, and we just happen to work at a University.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
I Am Second: Why I Fight With God
I am a fighter, and I am second, and I feel so loved. My friend Stefanie shared the video below in her blog. It is Pete Briscoe from the I am second series. I find a kindred spirit in his explaination of why he is second to Christ. Bricoe says, “He went to the cross and died for me, and when I come to grips with his depth of love for me and His passion for me, it seems incongruent for anything else to be first.” One of the most frequent ways I engage with the Lord is to fight with Him. I often feel self-conscious about it because bringing anger, objection, and hurt are not socially acceptable ways of relating to God in the American Evangelical subculture. So, I do it alone or with my most trusted friends. But it must be done.
I fight with God, rail against Him, and bring all of my strength and inner world, all of my accusations and hurt out of trust the He can handle not only the content of my fight, and all the fight in me, but also me in the fight. It is a beautiful and satisfying intimacy. Nowhere else do I know this level of safety and acceptance. Nowhere else can I be held so thoroughly and deeply.
In the process of fighting with God I run into His strength and glory that is paired with so much tenderness and delight - in me! I am most welcome in all of my many forms. And so I throw myself at my God with all of who I am - which definitely includes a little spitfire. I can’t not do it. I can’t hold out on the Lord that way. Why would I keep from Him the one part of me that only He can see and know and respond to so fully and completely? Why would I hold back something that is just between us? I don’t want to miss out on the intimacy that lives in that exchange. In the wrestling I find an Other who is so gloriously first in all things. And I come back time and time again to this place because I am second, and I feel so loved.
I fight with God, rail against Him, and bring all of my strength and inner world, all of my accusations and hurt out of trust the He can handle not only the content of my fight, and all the fight in me, but also me in the fight. It is a beautiful and satisfying intimacy. Nowhere else do I know this level of safety and acceptance. Nowhere else can I be held so thoroughly and deeply.
In the process of fighting with God I run into His strength and glory that is paired with so much tenderness and delight - in me! I am most welcome in all of my many forms. And so I throw myself at my God with all of who I am - which definitely includes a little spitfire. I can’t not do it. I can’t hold out on the Lord that way. Why would I keep from Him the one part of me that only He can see and know and respond to so fully and completely? Why would I hold back something that is just between us? I don’t want to miss out on the intimacy that lives in that exchange. In the wrestling I find an Other who is so gloriously first in all things. And I come back time and time again to this place because I am second, and I feel so loved.
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