32 and Single: Realistic Expectations?

One of my favorite things about blogging is that it is a big conversation. I recently posted a short commentary entitled 32 and Single: A Response to "How I Know My Wife Married the "Wrong" Person." Many of you responded on Facebook, over email, or in person and I enjoyed hearing your thoughts. Thank you for sharing pieces of yourselves. I am surprised that the most popular topic of conversation has been about doing the work involved in marriage. While I have many thoughts about this, there is one piece of feedback in particular that I keep coming back to. A friend of mine pointed out that it might be unrealistic to look for a man who is ready to do the work of marriage, but instead to look for someone with the character qualities that are the building blocks of this kind of work. At first, I thought she was splitting hairs, but she pointed out that things like admitting you are wrong, apologizing, and being open to confrontation, and even counseling, are things that are much more socially acceptable for women.

I think her point might connect to gender based social norms. Why is it that we praise a man who is going to become a counselor, but catch our breath and pause when a man we know mentions that he is going to counseling for his own benefit? Why is emotional and mental health something that might be more acceptable for women? Is it? Really? Even if that is case, marriage is one of the hardest and best things that I have seen and as such it seems like it is one of those circumstances where it is okay to hold out for this quality. Personal, internal growth is one of my deepest values, and I hope that should be enough reason for me to wait for someone who can meet me in this place.

But is it? Other pressures and voices vie for my allegiance.You are getting older and there will be less opportunities out there. Don't back down from being yourself- you are only going to attract someone who isn't afraid of a strong woman if you are acting like a strong woman. But don't be too intimidating. Don't be too hard, or too soft. What, if anything, about this is available for compromise? Isn't marriage at least partly about compromise? All of those voices feel thin. They don't have the meat of the Spirit.

As deep calls to deep
Now you, who began with the Spirit, how do you think you can continue in your own strength?
Love one another deeply and from the heart
Do not lie to one another... since as member of the same body, you were called to peace

The Spirit challenges me and calls me forth in such a way that I have to be the most full version of myself in order to answer. These voices ask me to leave something substantive behind to "get a man." The voice of the Spirit calls me to bring all of myself and my values and to be transparent and honest with others. Listening to those other voices feels like a lie because they ask me to hide some of my fire, complexity, and fear. I think that I need to hang onto all of those things in order to honor the depth of the Christian life. So, yes, I think I do want to wait for a man who is capable of doing the work of marriage. And I think there is merit to the idea that the work of marriage-things like apologizing, owning and working through one's dysfunction, challenging others to be the best version of themselves- is more socially acceptable in women. What do you think?

Who has bewitched me?

I forgot that God is big. Of course, I have been giving lip service to this, who doesn't? But, really in my heart of hearts, I have been giving in to despair. Despair is cunning. Certainly God is not big enough to actually rescue people from depression, broken homes, abusive situations, heartbreak, or a bad relationship. People need to trust God to help them, for sure, and they can't do it without Him, I know I can't, but people need to put in the effort and pull themselves up, do some hard work and then God will help them. I can't believe that I forgot, I actually forgot.

This thought pattern worked its way into ministry. In times and places where I should have been giving a situation over the Spirit, I was fretting, worrying, and brainstorming about ways to equip students to do some of the hard work to get themselves where they need to be. These are good things to do, but not, in an of itself, Biblical ministry. Biblical ministry flows from a heart that is being transformed into the image of Christ. Equipping people for hard internal work is only ministry insofar as it comes from a heart responsive to the Spirit and in line with what He is already doing. Somewhere along the way I stopped believing that God could step in and change complicated human situations. Of course, I did not say that nor did I think that I believed that, but I did. Belief is born out by actions, so my lack of trust, lack of inviting God into the situation, lack of expecting Him to work is fruit of  my believing that God was not going to act.

This transition has been so gradual that I can't tell you when I pulled out of this, or even when I noticed it was there. But, I can see it now. I can see it because I am at the end of my ability in so many situations. I have brainstormed and thought and counseled my way right to the end of everything I can brainstorm and think and counsel, and I have no other choice but to pray. Not just to pray because that is what I am supposed to do in ministry, but pray because I have nowhere else to go. And how many times to we do just that? Use real prayer as a last resort. Come on, girl, you know better than this. Well, obviously I don't know better, because here I am, remembering after some desperate praying that God is big enough to change lives and hearts.

I found in my desperation that God is acting and that He, of course, never stopped. I feel like the Galatians. Paul says to them "You foolish Galatians, who has bewitched you? let me ask you this: Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing through faith? Havin gbegun with the Spirit are you now ending with the flesh? Did you experience so many things in vain- if it really was in vain?" Harsh words, but they are so applicable for me so very often. I am always needing to be reminded to act in faith and in step with the Spirit and not with my own power. What is most encouraging to me is that in my desperation I am internally stepping back and seeing if anything really is changing. And in that stepping back there is so much freedom. This is my place- waiting for God to work, and in the mean time loving others, seeking God and giving as solid advice as I know how. How encouraging to remember that God is big enough to really change our lives, our circumstances and ourselves. And how foolish of me to forget. I was only running myself ragged when I could have been investing in the Spirit's work in my life and the lives of others. I wonder if trusting in the Spirit is ministry. I know that it feel like ministry when others have done it for me. I have such a short memory, but God is good and gracious and knows my weakness. He know that I am foolish and He is crazy about me anyway.

It is so much more energizing to minister from here. Here, where I am not working from my own power, but where I am listening and waiting and expecting God to move because I need Him to move. I have much more energy to wait for a real Savior than to try to make a solution myself. I have much more energy to invest in the reality life through the Spirit than to try to push life out of myself and others. Certainly, God calls us to work. I think that as Christians we have a call to tend to our lives, our emotions, our relationships and our internal worlds in a way that does not allow for sin to go unchecked. People are messy and broken and sinful. And I firmly believe that the Spirit calls us to the mat to face this reality and work on it. I am an advocate for counseling, loving confrontation, and the hard work that is involved in self-awareness, and building and maintaining healthy relationships. But I think that I let the discouragement of not seeing results from these things in the time I think they should have been there take away the trust that God is capable of changing people. Failure is not the best way ever to be reminded that God is big, but I am happy to be here.

Knocked Down: A Response, Galations 3, And A Few Glimers of Redemption

This post is part 3 of a series about having the wind knocked out of me by the Lord.  Biggest. Understatement. Ever. For the beginning of the story click here, and for part 2, click here.

I am haunted by J.R.’s statement that most of the time it is best to lean into what God is doing in our lives right now and the opportunities that He has brought and trust that out of that He will bring what He will. God has a very ambitious and crazy goal- to save humanity and the path to that goal was self-sacrifice and, ultimately, death and that somehow that brought life. If our God walked such a path, how can we expect to walk a different one?

I need to lay down my pride, but that is the heart of the matter, is it not? The catch 22 in this situation is that I can’t lay down my pride and I can’t really wrestle with this truth because it is counter to my ambitious nature and my pride.

But I am not questioning my call, in the midst of all that, there is one thing that remains pure, and I am so encouraged by that. I am encouraged by the very clear call of the Spirit on my life to work with youth and academics. I am so encouraged by the core of the things that You have given me and that don’t change, even with my sin. And there is sin here. I think that is part of why I am so uncomfortable: I am uneasy having my sin exposed and my motives laid bare. I am uneasy knowing that I have sinned and that it is not in the least hidden- not from You eyes and not from the eyes of others. I am laid bare in my pride. My pride at doing what You have called my to do- Oh foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched me, indeed?

When did this sin creep in? And where did my heart grab onto it? And why does it hurt? But it does. It hurts to know that I have left the keeper of my heart and soul and walked somewhere that He has not intended me to, that I have taken His good gifts and used them for my own gain, and used them to get fame for myself and not the Famous One. Here is my sin, and here is my angst, and here is my failing. I have failed in this.

How do I lean into what You have given me when I have marred it? But there is Your grace again, burning bridges and welcoming me with every start, pulling out a chair and saying “sit and eat my meat.” I do have mixed motives, I want glory and fame, but here You are, with your Spirit, pointing out my motives and gently, firmly asking me to lay it down and walk that path in front of me with humility. Feed my lambs, Sarah. Do you love me? Then feed my lambs.

Here is your grace, purifying me. It sucks, and I am grateful.