32 and Single - A response to "How I Know My Wife Married the "Wrong" Person"

A few days ago, I read a blog post about marriage "How I Know My Wife Married the "Wong" Person." He brings up several good points, and started a great discussion. Let me be another voice in this discussion Yes, I think that there is a powerful myth that one should find their soul mate and I agree that this myth needs to be debunked. Yes, I think this myth can be a contributing factor to why people are waiting longer to get married. It is not, however, the only story. Tyler says "singles (and married people) are searching for a super-spouses that simply don't exist." He also mentions that this expectation is contributing to later and fewer marriages. I have not looked into that research myself, so I am just assuming that is true. As with all research - that is not true in every case.

I am 32 and single. I want to be married. I am sure there are many contributing factors to my current relationship status. The search for a super-spouse is one of them, but, by no means, the primary one. At many points I bought into the idea that I am looking for a soul mate rather than a flawed, lovable, respectable, person. Absolutely I have done that, and it is likely that I missed some quality men because I was in that state of mind. But that is just one factor -one that I have become aware of and I am working on correcting. Let me tell you a little more about this journey for me, and to unpack a few more of the reasons I am not married- at least a few of the reasons I can see.


Desire to be with someone who can do the work of marriage. The more I learn about the reality of marriage, the more I realize that marriage is full of hard work. I have yet to meet someone with whom I can see myself doing this level of work. I know that some of that is my fault- I waited until my late 20s to go to counseling and learn what it is to see and sort out my own dysfunction. Doing the work of marriage requires a level of self-knowledge and sacrifice that I can only think about doing with someone else who knows how to identify, own, and begin the process of sorting through their own junk. I want to be with someone who is capable of the work of marriage. I don't want a perfect person, just man who is willing to admit his dysfunction and who is willing to be with me as I work on mine. In my experience this commitment to emotional and mental health is deeply lacking in the church. I am not saying such men don't exist- they certainly do. I am saying that in my experience they are rare, and I am willing to hold out for one.

Simple math- fewer opportunities. I have not been asked on a date by a Christian man. I don't say this to garner pity or to throw Christian men under the bus. I know many godly, bold men who pursue women well. This has not yet happened in my life. I also know plenty of other woman who could echo that refrain. One of the effects of elevating marriage is that dating becomes an institution with too much pressure. I can only imagine that the already intimidating task of asking someone out becomes so much harder when marriage is looming somewhere around the 5th date.

In his book, After the Baby Boomers:How Twenty and Thirty Somethings Are Shaping the Future of American Religion, Robert Wuthnow states "Church attenders age 21 through 45 are disproportionately female." He goes on to unpack those numbers, noting that the majority of church attenders in this age group are married. He gives many more details, but the fact is that there are less men around to meet. Less men to meet, less opportunities. Simple math.


I am sure there are other reasons people are getting married less frequently and later in life. I know there are more reasons for me, but these are the two that popped to mind. More significantly, these are two that have less to do with wanting a super spouse. One of my favorite things about blogging is that it is essentially a giant conversation, so I wanted to add my voice to this conversation and share a different point of view.

Lauren Schwaar Is My Hero

Meet Lauren

Today I miss Lauren. There is no one in the world quite like Lauren Schwaar. She is priceless, hilarious, tender-hearted, pleasantly sarcastic, humble, patient, a fantastic listener, and actually human, just like the rest of us. Last summer (two summers ago?) I played sand volleyball every week with my church, and I would always try to be on Lauren's team, not just because she is a kick-ass athlete and made the rest of us not-so-great athletes look better, but because Lauren is a team player. She genuinely wants others to achieve what they can, and she wants to be there to help make that happen.


I am not a great athlete (shocking, I know) I am however, irrationally competitive. So, sports are a stage for frustration. One week I had enough - enough failure, enough irritation with myself for being the weakest link, and enough angst to stubbornly not quit. While in between  matches, I took out my angst on trying to serve overhand - mostly so I could hit that ball with all of my might and to try my hardest to get something right without being in the way. The ball went under the net again and again and again, and Lauren lobbed it back to me again and again and again. We never talked about it. I did not ask for help, and in fact I did not really want encouragement or coaching. I needed the space to be upset at my lack of athletic ability. I still have no idea if Lauren knew all of this.  She is one smart cookie, and I would guess that through her years of basketball that she knew what state I was in, she saw a need, and a way to meet me in that place. She simply did what she does- she was there, letting me be how I was, quietly helping me get past my own frustration so that I could get better. There was little hope of ever learning to serve overhand, but there was realistic hope that if I could work out my frustration that I would have more fun.

I have no idea what is going on in this picture, but there is a llama and that is awesome

And I did, because Lauren was not afraid of my angst, and she was not afraid of my poor athleticism and she was willing up to her ankles in both. Lauren is a steadfast friend. This quality carries over into many, many parts of Lauren's life and I am excited to see what God will bring about through her and in her. I miss you, I love you dear friend, and you are my hero. ;)

Doesn't she just look like a boss?

My point is further illustrated by my search of Lauren's facebook to steal pictures of her. (Calm down, Lauren, they were already on the internet and you have more facebook friends than I have blog followers) 1. It was not east find a picture of Lauren by herself. 2. In almost every picture I did find Lauren was doing something crazy badass or just crazy like running, hiking, jumping off of heights, or pretending that she is upset by being hugged, squished, or in other ways celebrated by others. 3. There are a bazillion pictures of Lauren, all posted by other people. Laruen. is. awesome. And no, darlin, I don't have a back-up super hero.

sometimes good things hurt

Sometimes it hurts to press into a good thing. I want to stay at this church. It is alive and tender, and it is a healing place. And I want to be actively involved in youth ministry. I cannot have both. The tension pulls at my heart, and I need guidance. Your voice, Your answer is what I want and dread. Neither choice is complete, but the one You have lead me to is full.
I wince at Your compassion; I am tender and unable to hold back the tears that come when my pain is not hidden from the soft, knowing touch of the Spirit who is my shepherd. Though I still feel shy and unknown by people around me, I hear Your voice, leading me by still waters, restoring my heart.

Now I am faced with a greater challenge to step forward yet again with that internal courage to share with others - to enter into this church body.

Church Search- Church Without Teenagers?

Every time I see Josh Garrels, I walk away with something new in my spirit, some way that my soul was challenged, filled, or usually full to bursting. Annie and I saw him and Mason Jar Music Sunday at the Athenaeum Theater, which is a lovely venue and reminds me of the Goodman Theater in Waukegan. Half of the show, a feature-length film- The Sea and In Between, ended with a call to enter into other's passions and gifts, and therefore enter into each other's joy. What a beautiful, godly call to community.

That seems like a gap in my life. Am I entering into the joy of those around me? Am I sharing myself in the way that I ought to be? What are my passions and am I sharing them?

I am passionate about teenagers and about youth ministry. I am currently without an outlet for those passions, and I feel like small pieces of myself are withering. I ache to walk with adolescents as they discover their thoughts about God, truth, themselves, community, and spiritual reality. I have been volunteering for over ten years and this is the longest stretch I have gone without being actively involved in some form of youth ministry. Here is the kicker- there are 2, count them, 2 adolescents in the church I have been attending. 

Can I really contribute to this body? Since some very deep parts of myself are enlivened in youth ministry, does that mean that I won't be able to fully contribute by listening deeply to others? And what about sharing my joy? Will I really be alive and awake and bringing all of who I am to this particular church? Am I able to give all of who I am when so many parts of me already feel atrophied? 

Do I leave what I am building to start the searching part over, looking for a church where I can get involved in their youth ministry?  The thought of going back to the searching process is heartbreaking; it was so grueling and hollow. Are there other ways to bring more of who I am? Is there a challenge in this for me? A growth edge? How long might that take and what does that mean in the interim? I can't know what is next and it has already been a process to get here, How much longer do I want to be a volunteer without helping to form and change the way they are doing youth ministry? And how long do I wait? 

Sigh. If I am not actively involved in youth ministry I fear I am walking away from part of my calling and functional design. That seems like a loss not only for me, but for whatever it is that the Lord is going to do with this seed that falls to the ground and dies. So if I need to walk out my calling, where does this particular church body fit in? I really like this church and there is something alive, and good, and nurturing  and challenging here. 

But can I enter in, really enter in?

Church Search - A new layer of questions

Even though I have been attending the same church for a few months now I still feel in many ways that I am without a church home. I still feel the loss of knowing and being known by those around me. I feel the strangeness of not knowing what to expect from week to week and where I fit into that rhythm. I find that it is still challenging to remember people's names, let alone have a meaty theological conversation or pray for one another. I miss being an established and involved church member.

It is challenging to get plugged in at a new church, and I find myself asking if I really want to go through that work. It is work -I have to keep putting myself out there, and there is the natural in between stage before there is interaction of depth. And it is work to get through that stage, and I am not sure I am going to stay long term. And there are no teenagers in this church. That is a fairly big obstacle.

Since I am not plugged in, it would be easy to leave and just go somewhere else, but that is a wearying thought. How on earth do people switch churches? How do people get through this with their sense of Christian community in tact? Or do they? I am already tempted to throw in the towel and I have fairly good social skills, and a healthy measure of boldness. I have to gear up every week to try to break into what is going on in the church. People are very friendly, and easy to talk to, for which I am very thankful. But what I am really craving in a church is to serve and to grow with others. And that takes time and effort. Is it worth it here? Would it be worth it somewhere else?

Liturgy and Duplicity - Palm Sunday

We came into the sanctuary singing, waiving our palm branches and declaring "Hosanna, Save Us!" There was joy. Ten minutes later,  we read about the betrayal of Christ, and we yelled out "Crucify Him! Release Barabbas!" Our Deacon said "You might well be wondering what happened. You might feel jarred, and I urge you not to rush past that feeling." One of the things that I find most freeing about liturgy is that it allows me space to bring so many of the facets of my relationship with God. Because I can, indeed, in one morning, enter joyfully into the reality that Christ is King and I can turn my back on Him, cursing. I find the liturgy creates space for many sides of my nature as a sinful believer.

I find that when I have space to acknowledge my own frailty and failing that it is easier to choose to live in love. When I can honestly acknowledge my own inclinations towards evil and selfishness, it is easier to make the choice to turn from them. Previously, I felt a need to eradicate them and there was a tyrannical element to this need. I felt I had to make it so that there was no evil in me to turn from, so I found myself focusing on the sin. When I can see my sin for what it is it gives me the space to acknowledge that it is mine and that I am in some way bound to it, and that I need Christ in order to be free.

And I do. Come, Lord Jesus, and take away the sins of the world. The body of Christ, broken for me. Thanks be to God. The blood of Christ, spilled for me. Thanks be to God. 

Texas Tomato Broth and Roasted Veggies

Yes, Texas. Well, not because it has anything to do with Texas itself, but because the whole time I was in Texas I kept craving this dish. Somewhere in my heart I decided that roasted veggies in tomato broth would be amazing, hearty, healthy and delicious. Of course this could only be served over some quinoa. I was frustrated at every restaurant- why didn't people have this on the menu? After all, we were in Austin, the home of all things hipster and healthy. Then I came to my senses and realized that I could just make it once we were home. So,  I did. And. It. Was. Amazing. Let me say it again- it was amazing! But, of course, I made it up in a flurry of creativity, and I did not write anything down. This was a major misstep. Has anyone else out there ever done that?

Luckily, I was able to find the two recipes I adapted and recreate it in all of its original thyme-covered, savory, tomato-based glory. My mouth is watering. The best thing about this is that it combines all the best of  a recipe from Emeril (don't I feel cool) that involves come citrus and the comfort from a Smitten Kitchen recipe. I love all things Smitten Kitchen. Seriously, check out her blog. And her cookbook. I read mine cover to cover because I am a nerd like that.

Okay, here we go.

Texas Tomato Broth and Roasted Veggies

Chop:
2 medium zucchini
2 medium squash
The key here is consistency. You want to make sure that they all roast the same.
Toss in olive oil, the place on cookie sheet. season with seas salt, thyme. I don't know how much thyme exactly, but it should look like this:

Bake for approximately 30 minutes at 350.
You know they are done when they have a little resistance when poked with fork.

Chop:
1 medium carrot
1 stalk celery
1 medium onion
I recommend doing a fairly small/fine chop on these as you are going to puree them with an immersion blender.
Season with sea salt and 1 tsp thyme.
Saute until the onion becomes translucent.
Add 3-4 cloves finely chopped garlic.
Saute for 1 minute more.
Add 1/2 c. white wine. I recommend a fruity, citrusy chardonnay, but really whatever you have is fine.
In fact, the first time I made this I did not have white wine or vegetable stock and simply used water.
Reduce by half.

This what I used, isn't it pretty? The woman at the store tried to sell it to me because it was named after a song by Train. I bought it anyway.

Add:
Half 28 oz can crushed tomatoes
2 cups veg broth
3 cups water
2 bay leaves

Simmer forever. 1-2 hours. stirring occasionally.

After it has simmered to your satisfaction or time table, add:
Juice from 2 lemons
1/4 cup orange juice

Then use your immersion blender and blend until smooth and then blend some more.
No one likes chunks of celery.

Add:
Roasted veggies
Remaining canned tomatoes

Serve over quinoa with fresh Parmesan  I suppose you could serve it over rice, or something else, or *gasp* nothing, but then I should warn you that it will not be the glorious meal I imagined in Texas. It is, after all, TEXAS Tomato Broth and Roasted Veggies.

You might note that there is no quinoa in my picture. Well, that is not entirely  true. The project I was working on this evening exploded into something much more detailed and time-consuming than I thought and in an effort to get something done, I started this post. I got almost all the way through and realized that I did not have a picture of the finished product, so I took the 1/8 cup quinoa I had, and put cold broth over it. So, the post is completed, and there is quinoa- barely. But it is done, dang it. Something has to be done this evening.