I Am Second: Why I Fight With God

I am a fighter, and I am second, and I feel so loved. My friend Stefanie shared the video below in her blog. It is Pete Briscoe from the I am second series. I find a kindred spirit in his explaination of why he is second to Christ.  Bricoe says, “He went to the cross and died for me, and when I come to grips with his depth of love for me and His passion for me, it seems incongruent for anything else to be first.” One of the most frequent ways I engage with the Lord is to fight with Him. I often feel self-conscious about it because bringing anger, objection, and hurt are not socially acceptable ways of relating to God in the American Evangelical subculture. So, I do it alone or with my most trusted friends. But it must be done.

I fight with God, rail against Him, and bring all of my strength and inner world, all of my accusations and hurt out of trust the He can handle not only the content of my fight, and all the fight in me, but also me in the fight. It is a beautiful and satisfying intimacy. Nowhere else do I know this level of safety and acceptance. Nowhere else can I be held so thoroughly and deeply.

In the process of fighting with God I run into His strength and glory that is paired with so much tenderness and delight - in me! I am most welcome in all of my many forms. And so I throw myself at my God with all of who I am - which definitely includes a little spitfire. I can’t not do it. I can’t hold out on the Lord that way. Why would I keep from Him the one part of me that only He can see and know and respond to so fully and completely? Why would I hold back something that is just between us? I don’t want to miss out on the intimacy that lives in that exchange. In the wrestling I find an Other who is so gloriously first in all things. And I come back time and time again to this place because I am second, and I feel so loved.