Luke- a social experiment in spiritual disciplines

My church, which I have been woefully inadequate in attending because of weddingextravaganza2013, is currently teaching through Luke. I believe that this is what is in the lectionary for ordinary time, but seeing as I am new to liturgy, "ordinary time" is a new idea to me. In order to lean into this time I am going to embark on an experiment in spiritual disciplines. It sounds much more exciting than it is. I am simply going to to read through the book of Luke and try to come to the story itself with a blank slate. While I will never be able to fully get away from all of the background I already have, I would like to try to read it for what it is: an account.

My goal is to reflect on what I am reading in as raw a form as possible. I hope to learn and unlearn and relearn some things about Christ and, through that process to learn a few things about myself. I am in a spiritual funk of sorts and I think that a regular spiritual discipline will be good for me in this time. That is where you come in- there are three things I ask of you. One, I need you to help me simply by reading. Since reading scripture is something that has historically been challenging and dry for me, I am hoping to come to this with a sense of freedom in my thoughts. I think that posting several times a week and just having you out there to read it helps hold me to both the regularity and authenticity of this endeavor. Two, interact. One of my favorite things about social media is that it is social- this only works if we are talking about it over email, over coffee, on the phone, on facebook, on twitter, or on a blog. I have already enjoyed the conversations spurred by my last post about singleness. Those conversations have already challenged and encouraged me and, I hope, spurred on many other conversations for other people. Three, bear with me. This is intended to raw, which makes it somewhat vulnerable- personally, grammatically, and theologically. We are all a work in progress.

Well, here goes.

Luke 1:1-25

This is such a practical undertaking "to draw up an account of everything that has happened among us." It feels like a news story or a journal entry or a blog. And some part of me wants to think of it as more believable because of that, but I find it hard when in the next breathe Luke says, with all practicality "there was an angel standing at the altar." It seems both to make perfect sense that he would just state this, just matter of fact, and it seems that there should be more drama and more build up and more description of the supernatural to make it more believable.

Here there are such human reactions and circumstances- a couple who wants to have a child and can't conceive. I also love Zechariah's reaction to this news "give me a sign." It is akin to "prove it to me," and "what assurances do you have that I am not crazy and that I can trust you?" And then the angel makes him MUTE? What is that? Seems a little harsh, and then he goes home and has sex with his wife? People are funny. Elizabeth also has a very human reaction to finally conceiving a child. "This the Lord has done for me in the days when he looked on me, and took away my reproach among the people." It is about her personal journey, her relationship with the Lord and her connection to her history as a Jew (I think that is what the Genesis reference is about-someone correct me if that is wrong). Such a very normal, human reaction. Gritty. This whole episode is bazaarly gritty and supernatural all at the same time. Strange.

32 and Single - A response to "How I Know My Wife Married the "Wrong" Person"

A few days ago, I read a blog post about marriage "How I Know My Wife Married the "Wong" Person." He brings up several good points, and started a great discussion. Let me be another voice in this discussion Yes, I think that there is a powerful myth that one should find their soul mate and I agree that this myth needs to be debunked. Yes, I think this myth can be a contributing factor to why people are waiting longer to get married. It is not, however, the only story. Tyler says "singles (and married people) are searching for a super-spouses that simply don't exist." He also mentions that this expectation is contributing to later and fewer marriages. I have not looked into that research myself, so I am just assuming that is true. As with all research - that is not true in every case.

I am 32 and single. I want to be married. I am sure there are many contributing factors to my current relationship status. The search for a super-spouse is one of them, but, by no means, the primary one. At many points I bought into the idea that I am looking for a soul mate rather than a flawed, lovable, respectable, person. Absolutely I have done that, and it is likely that I missed some quality men because I was in that state of mind. But that is just one factor -one that I have become aware of and I am working on correcting. Let me tell you a little more about this journey for me, and to unpack a few more of the reasons I am not married- at least a few of the reasons I can see.


Desire to be with someone who can do the work of marriage. The more I learn about the reality of marriage, the more I realize that marriage is full of hard work. I have yet to meet someone with whom I can see myself doing this level of work. I know that some of that is my fault- I waited until my late 20s to go to counseling and learn what it is to see and sort out my own dysfunction. Doing the work of marriage requires a level of self-knowledge and sacrifice that I can only think about doing with someone else who knows how to identify, own, and begin the process of sorting through their own junk. I want to be with someone who is capable of the work of marriage. I don't want a perfect person, just man who is willing to admit his dysfunction and who is willing to be with me as I work on mine. In my experience this commitment to emotional and mental health is deeply lacking in the church. I am not saying such men don't exist- they certainly do. I am saying that in my experience they are rare, and I am willing to hold out for one.

Simple math- fewer opportunities. I have not been asked on a date by a Christian man. I don't say this to garner pity or to throw Christian men under the bus. I know many godly, bold men who pursue women well. This has not yet happened in my life. I also know plenty of other woman who could echo that refrain. One of the effects of elevating marriage is that dating becomes an institution with too much pressure. I can only imagine that the already intimidating task of asking someone out becomes so much harder when marriage is looming somewhere around the 5th date.

In his book, After the Baby Boomers:How Twenty and Thirty Somethings Are Shaping the Future of American Religion, Robert Wuthnow states "Church attenders age 21 through 45 are disproportionately female." He goes on to unpack those numbers, noting that the majority of church attenders in this age group are married. He gives many more details, but the fact is that there are less men around to meet. Less men to meet, less opportunities. Simple math.


I am sure there are other reasons people are getting married less frequently and later in life. I know there are more reasons for me, but these are the two that popped to mind. More significantly, these are two that have less to do with wanting a super spouse. One of my favorite things about blogging is that it is essentially a giant conversation, so I wanted to add my voice to this conversation and share a different point of view.

Lauren Schwaar Is My Hero

Meet Lauren

Today I miss Lauren. There is no one in the world quite like Lauren Schwaar. She is priceless, hilarious, tender-hearted, pleasantly sarcastic, humble, patient, a fantastic listener, and actually human, just like the rest of us. Last summer (two summers ago?) I played sand volleyball every week with my church, and I would always try to be on Lauren's team, not just because she is a kick-ass athlete and made the rest of us not-so-great athletes look better, but because Lauren is a team player. She genuinely wants others to achieve what they can, and she wants to be there to help make that happen.


I am not a great athlete (shocking, I know) I am however, irrationally competitive. So, sports are a stage for frustration. One week I had enough - enough failure, enough irritation with myself for being the weakest link, and enough angst to stubbornly not quit. While in between  matches, I took out my angst on trying to serve overhand - mostly so I could hit that ball with all of my might and to try my hardest to get something right without being in the way. The ball went under the net again and again and again, and Lauren lobbed it back to me again and again and again. We never talked about it. I did not ask for help, and in fact I did not really want encouragement or coaching. I needed the space to be upset at my lack of athletic ability. I still have no idea if Lauren knew all of this.  She is one smart cookie, and I would guess that through her years of basketball that she knew what state I was in, she saw a need, and a way to meet me in that place. She simply did what she does- she was there, letting me be how I was, quietly helping me get past my own frustration so that I could get better. There was little hope of ever learning to serve overhand, but there was realistic hope that if I could work out my frustration that I would have more fun.

I have no idea what is going on in this picture, but there is a llama and that is awesome

And I did, because Lauren was not afraid of my angst, and she was not afraid of my poor athleticism and she was willing up to her ankles in both. Lauren is a steadfast friend. This quality carries over into many, many parts of Lauren's life and I am excited to see what God will bring about through her and in her. I miss you, I love you dear friend, and you are my hero. ;)

Doesn't she just look like a boss?

My point is further illustrated by my search of Lauren's facebook to steal pictures of her. (Calm down, Lauren, they were already on the internet and you have more facebook friends than I have blog followers) 1. It was not east find a picture of Lauren by herself. 2. In almost every picture I did find Lauren was doing something crazy badass or just crazy like running, hiking, jumping off of heights, or pretending that she is upset by being hugged, squished, or in other ways celebrated by others. 3. There are a bazillion pictures of Lauren, all posted by other people. Laruen. is. awesome. And no, darlin, I don't have a back-up super hero.

sometimes good things hurt

Sometimes it hurts to press into a good thing. I want to stay at this church. It is alive and tender, and it is a healing place. And I want to be actively involved in youth ministry. I cannot have both. The tension pulls at my heart, and I need guidance. Your voice, Your answer is what I want and dread. Neither choice is complete, but the one You have lead me to is full.
I wince at Your compassion; I am tender and unable to hold back the tears that come when my pain is not hidden from the soft, knowing touch of the Spirit who is my shepherd. Though I still feel shy and unknown by people around me, I hear Your voice, leading me by still waters, restoring my heart.

Now I am faced with a greater challenge to step forward yet again with that internal courage to share with others - to enter into this church body.

Church Search- Church Without Teenagers?

Every time I see Josh Garrels, I walk away with something new in my spirit, some way that my soul was challenged, filled, or usually full to bursting. Annie and I saw him and Mason Jar Music Sunday at the Athenaeum Theater, which is a lovely venue and reminds me of the Goodman Theater in Waukegan. Half of the show, a feature-length film- The Sea and In Between, ended with a call to enter into other's passions and gifts, and therefore enter into each other's joy. What a beautiful, godly call to community.

That seems like a gap in my life. Am I entering into the joy of those around me? Am I sharing myself in the way that I ought to be? What are my passions and am I sharing them?

I am passionate about teenagers and about youth ministry. I am currently without an outlet for those passions, and I feel like small pieces of myself are withering. I ache to walk with adolescents as they discover their thoughts about God, truth, themselves, community, and spiritual reality. I have been volunteering for over ten years and this is the longest stretch I have gone without being actively involved in some form of youth ministry. Here is the kicker- there are 2, count them, 2 adolescents in the church I have been attending. 

Can I really contribute to this body? Since some very deep parts of myself are enlivened in youth ministry, does that mean that I won't be able to fully contribute by listening deeply to others? And what about sharing my joy? Will I really be alive and awake and bringing all of who I am to this particular church? Am I able to give all of who I am when so many parts of me already feel atrophied? 

Do I leave what I am building to start the searching part over, looking for a church where I can get involved in their youth ministry?  The thought of going back to the searching process is heartbreaking; it was so grueling and hollow. Are there other ways to bring more of who I am? Is there a challenge in this for me? A growth edge? How long might that take and what does that mean in the interim? I can't know what is next and it has already been a process to get here, How much longer do I want to be a volunteer without helping to form and change the way they are doing youth ministry? And how long do I wait? 

Sigh. If I am not actively involved in youth ministry I fear I am walking away from part of my calling and functional design. That seems like a loss not only for me, but for whatever it is that the Lord is going to do with this seed that falls to the ground and dies. So if I need to walk out my calling, where does this particular church body fit in? I really like this church and there is something alive, and good, and nurturing  and challenging here. 

But can I enter in, really enter in?

Church Search - A new layer of questions

Even though I have been attending the same church for a few months now I still feel in many ways that I am without a church home. I still feel the loss of knowing and being known by those around me. I feel the strangeness of not knowing what to expect from week to week and where I fit into that rhythm. I find that it is still challenging to remember people's names, let alone have a meaty theological conversation or pray for one another. I miss being an established and involved church member.

It is challenging to get plugged in at a new church, and I find myself asking if I really want to go through that work. It is work -I have to keep putting myself out there, and there is the natural in between stage before there is interaction of depth. And it is work to get through that stage, and I am not sure I am going to stay long term. And there are no teenagers in this church. That is a fairly big obstacle.

Since I am not plugged in, it would be easy to leave and just go somewhere else, but that is a wearying thought. How on earth do people switch churches? How do people get through this with their sense of Christian community in tact? Or do they? I am already tempted to throw in the towel and I have fairly good social skills, and a healthy measure of boldness. I have to gear up every week to try to break into what is going on in the church. People are very friendly, and easy to talk to, for which I am very thankful. But what I am really craving in a church is to serve and to grow with others. And that takes time and effort. Is it worth it here? Would it be worth it somewhere else?

Liturgy and Duplicity - Palm Sunday

We came into the sanctuary singing, waiving our palm branches and declaring "Hosanna, Save Us!" There was joy. Ten minutes later,  we read about the betrayal of Christ, and we yelled out "Crucify Him! Release Barabbas!" Our Deacon said "You might well be wondering what happened. You might feel jarred, and I urge you not to rush past that feeling." One of the things that I find most freeing about liturgy is that it allows me space to bring so many of the facets of my relationship with God. Because I can, indeed, in one morning, enter joyfully into the reality that Christ is King and I can turn my back on Him, cursing. I find the liturgy creates space for many sides of my nature as a sinful believer.

I find that when I have space to acknowledge my own frailty and failing that it is easier to choose to live in love. When I can honestly acknowledge my own inclinations towards evil and selfishness, it is easier to make the choice to turn from them. Previously, I felt a need to eradicate them and there was a tyrannical element to this need. I felt I had to make it so that there was no evil in me to turn from, so I found myself focusing on the sin. When I can see my sin for what it is it gives me the space to acknowledge that it is mine and that I am in some way bound to it, and that I need Christ in order to be free.

And I do. Come, Lord Jesus, and take away the sins of the world. The body of Christ, broken for me. Thanks be to God. The blood of Christ, spilled for me. Thanks be to God.